Songs About Masturbation
Unlike most people, my mom kept me in a cave (private school) until I was sixteen and graduated. (yes, I’m smart!) With the help of Pastor Everyone is going to hell, she was able to keep me from becoming too corrupted by the world. (she did that herself.) That is why it took me until I was in my 20’s to realize what these songs were about.
Sorry to disappoint you Pastor I know everything about God cuz he’s my homie, I’m not a prostitute like you thought. I have sex with inanimate objects for a living, not people! With that out of the way, here are a few of the songs I know are about masturbating.
"Longview" Green Day
This classic Green Day hit from 1994’s Dookie captures the idea that doing anything for too long can become boring.
The song starts with the singer describing a pleasurable experience but quickly goes south.
Billie Joe Armstrong sings about how he is “so damn bored, [he’s] going blind” and how he “smells like shit”.
He even goes so far as to say that when masturbation’s lost its fun, one is “fucking lonely”. This song’s message is pretty clear. Too much of a good thing is not a good idea.
"I Don't Need A Man" The Pussycat Dolls
“I don’t need a man to make it happen/I get off being free/I don’t need a man to make me feel good/I get off doing my thing/I don’t need a ring around my finger/To make me feel complete,” I think the lyrics are self-explanatory.
It’s a great anthem for single independent women who don’t need a man to be happy. We do it better ourselves anyway.
"If" Janet Jackson
In the 90’s Miss Jackson was all about embracing her sexuality.
Although sex was a running theme in her music her song “If” was the most notable song about masturbation.
With lyrics like “How many nights I’ve laid in bed excited over you/I’ve closed my eyes and thought of us/A hundred different ways/I’ve gotten there so many times” there is no mistaking what she is referring to.
"Rosie" Jackson Browne
“Rosie, you’re all right, you wear my ring/When you hold me tight, Rosie, that’s my thing/When you turn out the light I got to hand it to me/Looks like it’s me and you again tonight, Rosie”
My grandma’s name was Rosie and so is my daughter’s! I just can’t with this one.
"Touch of My Hand" by Britney Spears
“Cause I just discovered/Imagination’s taken over/Another day without a lover/The more I come to understand the touch of my hand/The small of my back/The arch of my feet/Lately I’ve been noticing the beautiful me/I’m all in my skin and I’m not gonna wait/I’m into myself in a most precious way”
It may sound sort of poetic, but Britney was singing about discovering what self-love means. (Look where that lead)
"I Touch Myself"
“I don’t want anybody else / when I think about you I touch myself.” There is no mistaking what this song is about. We have all been there. (I return three times a day)
"Blister In The Sun" by Violent Femmes
“Let me go on, like I blister in the sun/Let me go on, big hands I know your the one/Body and beats, I stain my sheets/I don’t even know why”
That was what the Violent Femmes were talking about!? My mom sang that!
"Darling Nikki" by Prince
“I knew a girl named Nikki/I guess you could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby/Masturbating with a magazine”
I don’t think Prince was talking about the Adam Sandler movie. Who would have thought little Nikki would grow up to be Nikki Minaj? ( just kidding. I think)
"Feeling Myself" by Nicki Minaj and Beyoncé
Nicki Minaj is an artist who is unapologetically herself, and with the help of Beyonce on the hook and as a producer, she creates hip-hop that is both catchy and confident.
She even references her rabbit vibe in this tune. (It’s a girl’s best friend!)
Her music is an expression of her unique style and personality, and it is sure to keep fans dancing and singing along.
"The Keys To Her Ferrari" by Thomas Dolby
With lines such as “Little rivers of anticipation ran down my inseam/As I kicked those 500 Italian horses into life and left reality behind me”, “And as we passed the magic 100 my love exploded/All over her bright pink leather interior” and “And at that moment, I thought of my mother,” all I can say you need some help.
"Icicle" Tori Amos
I’m not a big Tori Amos fan (what else does she sing?), so I don’t know if all of her music is like this one, but it is not the type of thing you would think was about masturbating.
But with lyrics like these, what else could it be about?
“And when my hand touches myself/I can finally rest my head/And when they take from his body/I think I’ll take from mine instead/Getting off, getting off while they’re all downstairs”
"Oops (Oh My)" by Tweet, featuring Missy Elliott
In 2002, this R&B jam featuring the iconic Missy Elliott was successful enough to make it into the Billboard top 10.
Although the lyrics of the song, which feature Tweet talking about a “buttery brown” man she met, are memorable, the most remarkable aspect of this one is Timbaland’s innovative, funky production.
His chopped-up beats created a sound that was ahead of its time.
"Coin-Operated Boy" The Dresden Dolls
“I’m dying to lose it/Want it/I want you/I want a coin operated boy/And if I had a star to wish on/For my life I can’t imagine/Any flesh and blood could be his match/I can even take him in the bath”
I am assuming this is someone’s ode to a vibrator. Although, I’m not sure what vibrator takes coins.
Where do the coins go? Who takes the coins out of the vibrator? Is this a shared vibrator? I have so many questions!
"Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol
It’s not that much of a stretch to realize Billy Idol was not talking about getting jiggy with it when singing these lyrics. (on the other hand…)
“When there’s no one else in sight/In the crowded lonely night/Well I wait so long/For my love vibration/And I’m dancing with myself”
"Orgasm Addict" The Buzzcocks
The Buzzcocks’ anthem “Orgasm addict” is about teenage horniness. Before porn was just a few clicks away.
It starts with the lines “Sneaking in the back door with dirty magazines” and the late Pete Shelley singing “Now your mother wants to know about all those stains on your jeans / You’re an orgasm addict”.
It takes a darker turn at the end with the line “It’s a labor of love fucking yourself to death.” (Honestly, there are worse ways to go)
Considering the name of the band, it’s not too surprising they would have a song about masturbation.
"St. Swithin's Day" Billy Bragg
“With my own hands/When I make love to your memory/It’s not the same/I miss the thunder, I miss the rain”
Well, someone seems to be having a hard time letting go. I can’t say I have ever thought about unrequited love while masturbating. (That time is reserved for Jack Sparrow!)
This is British slang for something that will never happen. (And I thought there was a Saint for masturbation)
"Love Muscle" by Alice Cooper
Alice Cooper is one of the most iconic shock rockers in the world, known for singing about distasteful acts. One example is “I Love The Dead.”
However, a slightly less outrageous song from the same album is “Muscle of Love” in which Alice sings about coming to a “crazy age” and not knowing if his thoughts are normal or not.
Judging from Alice’s other songs, it is likely that his thoughts are anything but normal.
"Turning Japanese" by The Vapors
The Vapors’ 1980 hit Turning Japanese refers to the squinting face people make while they are masturbating.
The song’s lyrics are quite disturbing, as they refer to a man being in a cell and wanting a doctor to take his picture so he could look at the person from the inside.
This somehow implies that the song is about masturbation, but it just sounds like a whole lot crazy to me.
"A.D.I.D.A.S." by Korn
The title of the song gives this one away. If you thought this was about running shoes, you were way off. (Not the sharpest tool in the shed)
A.D.I.D.A.S. stands for All Day I Dream About Sex. (Don’t we all) This song gained popularity amongst horny teens everywhere.
"All By Myself" by Green Day
This isn’t the only song that Green Day references spanking the monkey, but it is the most obvious. “I was alone/ I was all by myself/ No one was watching/ I was thinking of you.” (I get the feeling that Billy Joe was “all by himself” quite a bit over the years) Songs such as Basketcase and Longview also reference masturbation.
"Pictures of Lily" by The Who
“Pictures of Lily made my life so wonderful/Pictures of Lily helped me sleep at night/Pictures of Lily solved my childhood problems/Pictures of Lily helped me feel alright”
I don’t know who Lily is, but she sure made someone’s night.
The Who’s song Pictures of Lily was a perverted love letter to someone’s dream girl. I wonder how she felt about it when she heard it.
"My Ding-a-ling" by Chuck Berry
“When I was a little boy in grammar school/Always went by the very best rule/But every time the bell would ring/You’d catch me playing with my ding-a-ling”
Isn’t that elementary school!? Aren’t you ten at the end of elementary school??
What disturbs me most about this is that my grandma use to listen to this song. I knew that woman was a freak.
"Praying Hands" by Devo
“You got your left hand/You got your right hand/The left hand’s diddling/While the right hand goes to work”
I wonder what Pastor Church isn’t a time for laughing would have to say about this one.
Has reading about all these songs set you in the mood to play with yourself? In that case, you might want to check out some brilliant toys that make masturbation even funnier: