Things To Use As a Dildo: Yes, Even Your Partners Golf Clubs
Hey, there, my horny dirty friends. Let us talk about the elephant in the room.
What happens when you’ve just spotted that sexy neighbour working out in their front yard half naked… and splat. Thats the sound of your panties hitting the pavement. We have all been there. But here is where the dilemmas lie.
You just moved in, and for some reason, you don’t have a sex toy or dildo in sight. But the question is, how many of you give up, and how many of you get sneaky and creative! Show of hands, please!
So, I am here to discuss the fun, the naughty and the downright crazy dildo alternatives I have either personally attempted to use, met people who have or read about it during my research. Want to hear something hilarious?
During their lockdown, the increased number of google searches asking how to make at-home dildos skyrocketed. An article (1) reported that just in the last month, they saw 23,000 Google searches. Insane right?
So are you ready to laugh and get inspired for what to use as your next makeshift dildo? Cause I know I am ready to spill the T.
Things to Use as a Dildo
Although there is a bustling sex toy market, there are many occasions when sex toys are not available, and we have to get creative.
The world is your oyster, well, more like your house is your oyster. So you can get as creative as you’d like. If it has any phallic resemblance, it might just hit your sweet spots.
Electric household items
When the hairspray just won’t do, grab one of your fancier electronic items to add that little extra buzz!
Electric toothbrushes: An electric toothbrush can literally create an explosion in your plants if you find the best way to use it for your body.
You can insert the toothbrush inside you or gently tease your clit. Just make sure it’s a clean brush head, and be careful; our clits are precious and sensitive.
Yours or your partner’s electronic razor: Not all, but some electronic razors are perfectly shaped for some pleasure!
Take off the razor part, put on a condom or saran wrap and place it inside you.
Now for the fun part, turn on the vibrations. You won’t be getting fancy vibration patterns like a proper dildo vibrator, but it sure as shit will be fun!
Massager: You know, those crazy intense massagers. Yes, the ones you always wondered what it would feel like on your clit. Well, my friend told me he used it on his girlfriend and said she cried and did not pleasure crying. A blown ugly cry.
So maybe let’s not use it on our clits; however, another friend said it can be inserted inside you and turned on. I wish i could explain the look in her eyes when she talked about it. Because now I’m online looking at how I can order one.
Drill: I have only ever seen this in porn. It’s part of my job to watch porn, so I can give you the best advice ever. Or thats what I tell myself. Anyway, the shit they connected to the drill was just mind-blowingly creative.
Obviously, be super careful and make sure there is nothing sharp and you are using a condom or an alternative. But please, if you have a drill at home and a willing partner, try it out and let me know!
Food: time to open your fridge and get naughty!
From a zucchini, small eggplants and peppers to giant cucumbers and bananas, basically any smooth vegetables. Take your pick!
Pretty much half the things in the local produce aisle can be a makeshift dildo.
But due to pesticides and all the bacteria it has around it, it’s important to wash the shit out of what you buy in an attempt to completely kill anything on it.
Even then, it is very important to use a condom over it.
Then choose from the insane array of water-based lubes and oil-based lubes out there, and you’re good to go. You may be thinking, aren’t my bodily fluids enough? The answer is maybe. You’ll just have to find out.
Ok, so I read a blog, and the girl said frozen hot dogs. I feel like they would melt pretty damn fast but hey, to each their own. If you’ve got it, try it! You’ll even get to do some fun temperature play if you choose the hot dog. Just saying.
I have read some articles where people talk about using butter and cooking materials, olive oil. Let’s just say no to all of these and skip to the good part.
Beauty products: all the glam and the orgasms
Grab a makeup brush, either the ones with the narrow neck or thicker short ones. They can work for regular vaginal penetration or some very careful anal sex.
But be warned, any anal play without a properly designed toy is risky.
There is a reason sex toy companies design toys specifically for ass play. It’s not just about the body-safe silicone.
These designs have a base to keep them from sliding in. Talk about an embarrassing ER trip, am I right?
Some other fun, weird, creative beauty products to try out are: Shampoo bottles, dry shampoo, moisturizer bottles, and Mini hairspray bottles are my personal favorites cause the shape is perfectly circular.
I could go on forever, but I’m sure you get my point; if it’s a bottle and the right shape and size for you, it could work.
Bottles: unbottle your sexual fantasies
Champagne bottle: Be a boujee queen and grab some bubbly! Start by drinking the bottle.
Thats the major plus when using this glass bottle as a dildo. Wash the shit out of the bottle, and get to pounding.
Since it’s glass, if you wash it in hot water, it should be ok to use without a condom. However, it is always better to be safe than sorry.
Many store-bought lubes would pair perfectly with this fun adventure. Please be aware of the size.
I am not suggesting that you use the bottom half of the bottle, as you could possibly tear something which is not on anyone’s sex bucket list.
A water or soda bottle: Makes a great makeshift dildo. Or even a soda can if you’re feeling extra frisky. The extra bonus of using these is you can freeze them or just chill them for some fun temperature play.
Wine bottle: Yes, i know i mentioned champagne, but it’s different. So this is for all you divas on a budget lol Grab some $5 wine, get a little tipsy and go to town on yourself!
Random objects for even more random fun
Let’s get dirtier and more creative with some extra spicy household items. No, not spicy peppers.
DO NOT INSERT THE PEPPERS INTO YOUR VAGINA!
However, maybe one of those non-spicy peppers will do the trick. They do usually have a slight curve, and well, you know what that means.
But that’s not what this section is about, peppers are food, and they already got their spotlight in a different section. Here are some ultra-creative ideas.
Riding crop: Yes, I know most of you don’t just have a riding crop lying around unless you enjoy some BDSM fun.
However, I assume if you don’t have a dildo or toy on hand and the rest of your gear isn’t around either. But if you do, well, baby, it’s time to try it out.
Candle: Candles come in many shapes and sizes. So find one that already looks like a dildo and go to town on yourself. You can then put it right back in place on the mantle, and no one will ever know!
Always, I repeat, always use a condom or plastic warp when playing with a candle. Your body heat can melt the candle and cause some extra nasty infections you do not want.
Tennis racket handle: A girl on Reddit talked about things she’s used, and tennis rackets were her favorite. However, be warmed. Anything thats a particularly rough item should be used with extra caution! That being said, are you ready to be the Serena Williams of orgasms? NOTE: mention other racket types of rackets. (Badmington, types)
Razor: I can’t believe I actually have to say this, but I do. Make sure it has the razor blade detached. There are way too many weird-shaped bits, and your body is precious! A regular razor is also pretty thin, so much less fun than other household items if you ask me.
Baseball bats: Ok, so this option is for the size queens and kings out there looking for some panty-wetting fun! Just make sure it’s a smooth bat with a special paint sealant. You do not want splinters in your vajay jay or butthole. So make sure it’s smooth and protected with an extra layer of either a condom or some plastic wrap.
Hammer: I always wondered why people nicknamed a dick a hammer, and now i know why. This is great for beginners because it is thin, long and easy to hold. (Thats the pickup line used at the local bar ) But seriously, it’s kind of sexy using a tool that powerful as a dildo. Just make sure it’s new and you wrap it with a dildo or saran wrap.
Stainless steel piping: This one’s super creative. You can even pop it in the freezer for some temperature play as you would with real stainless steel dildos.
Golf clubs: I saw a girl on Reddit who asked for ideas, and someone said golf clubs. She said give me 20 and came back and said yup, it’s possible. So I’ll just leave you with that.
Things not to use:
Put it down. I see you! I said put it down!!! Oh f**k, i told you so. Now we don’t want that conversation, do we! So listen closely.
Markers or pens: This might sound like a simple and easy option, but it’s not. Not only do you risk being filled with pen ink.
Yup, not the type of filling you were going for, am I right? But also, the sharp edges and little details of pens can cause internal damage.
TV remote: It’s just not the right shape, although I know lots of people have tried using it. There are so many tiny holes under the buttons, which is a breeding ground for bacteria. You have enough things in your house to use as a dildo, and this does not need to get shoved up there.
Ice: Ice is super fun for temperature play and sensory play. It’s not a good idea to stick it inside you. Ice burns are no joke. For temperature play, better try a heated dildo.
Vacuum attachments: Umm, do I really have to explain? In short, a vacuum is dirtier than a bunch of teens on prom night. So unless it’s a brand spanking new, avoid it at all costs.
Ok, so let’s get some little details straightened out.
Although I always say choose a real lubricant to be safe, according to research, coconut oil can, in fact, be used as lube.
It’s even thought to help prolong intercourse. I love using pure coconut oil-based lube from time to time because the smell is just yum. However, baby oil is a no!! So repeat after me, oil-based lube, yes; water-based lube, yes; pure coconut oil, yes; baby oil, NOOOOOOO!
Safety Considerations When You're Wondering What to Use As a Dildo
Before inserting anything in your vagina or butthole, there are three main things to consider.
- Can it transmit bacteria or cause infection? You do not want to end up with a bacterial or yeast infection just because you were horny and wanted to flick the bean. Most sex toys are made from porous materials, so you don’t have as much to worry about. But with DIY toys, this is important to remember.
- Can it potentially break off? This is so important to think about, especially when dealing with produce.
- Will it cause injury? Even sex toy manufacturers place warnings on body-safe dildos, so this should be an indicator of how careful to be with homemade dildos and potential injury.
Ultimately using a makeshift dildo is about fun, not trips to the local emergency room. It doesn’t have to be a dildo. Specifically, it can be some fun plugs for your ass.
However, on the vagina note, our vaginas are sensitive and have their own delicate pH. So yes, we need to be mindful that we’re not transmitting any bacteria when using these items.
Even using an actual dildo has its risks. You always need to make sure it is clean. But that’s much easier when it’s a proper dildo. You just add some toy cleaner, and you’re fine.
Yes, some makeshift dildos can, in fact, break off inside you. There are the same concerns or even more with putting anything in your back door. It can get stuck in there and can move into your colon and then into the lower intestines, which will require surgery. This means, once again, embarrassing ER trips, and no one wants that.
In general, when approaching this fun concept of makeshift dildos, it’s important to make sure all those materials you are inserting inside you are properly cleaned.
But obviously, with the information above, you know it’s not the only safety precaution to take, especially when making a makeshift anal toy. There are many factors, and as long as you are mindful of the risks, you can have a hell of a time playing with your DIY butt plug and dildo safely.
I couldn’t end this without sharing some hilarious things I read during my deep dirty dive into some sub-Reddit. Are you ready?
Now here are some conversation threads that just had me peeing in my pants with laughter.
The question asked was about household things to use as a dildo; now, for the answers in the thread.
DartTimeFlies: Your boyfriend or husband? I bet that would work!
Selene2233: She wants to get off, not fake it
Commicsemporium: Your husband or boyfriend? Just maybe not at the same time
Sorry but that last one just got me! Who’s with me?
Again the same question was posed, and these were the answers
Zolunaris: Anything but food
Dragoonsg33: Cucumbers, courgettes and aubergines would like to disagree
5keltonxzc: Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough
If you’re not laughing, I don’t know what to say apart from are you ok?
Conclusion
As you can see, there are many things to use as a dildo and trust me, I didn’t even name them all. If it resembles a dick, most likely, you can try it.
With the right safety measures, you can safely play till your hands go numb. So the main question here is, is it a bad idea?
Honestly, no, it’s not a bad idea, but it’s also not ideal.
There are so many insane sex toys out there that will blow your mind and panties right off. They come in every shape, size and price range.
So although it’s fun, sexy and even adventurous. I personally think you should invest in some real toys, so you get the ultimate orgasms. However, that being said, when on a pitch and in need of some play time, by all means, get creative.
Or if you’re just in the mood for some extra kinky fun with household items. Go for it; I’ve been there. I just know comparing my pleasure level and orgasms, I have a lot more fun with actual toys.
Have you decided to stick to actual dildos after all? Read our guides on how to use a dildo, how to use a double dildo, and how to use sex toys before starting your journey.
Reference:
- https://www.dazeddigital.com/life-culture/article/48932/1/searches-for-homemade-sex-toys-have-spiked-during-lockdown
